january 2

I’m crying as I write this.

Today has been rough. Unusually rough. Some days, I have a rough or long day at work but the afterlife (everything from 5:30pm to sleep) is pretty decent. Today was the opposite. Work, albeit a bit long, was okay. I didn’t start having a hard time until dinner with my parents was over. And it’s not even something I can fully explain. It just nestles solidly in the loneliness category. And it’s weird, because I rarely feel this way. I’m decently extroverted and am often the shoulder to lean on for others. Today, I just need a little more help. And although it has been offered from a couple directions, the timing isn’t right for those people and I know it. So I have respectfully and specifically declined or moved past the offers, all of which are online interactions because that is where 75% of my one-on-one interactions come from these days.

My boyfriend is understandably busy. It’s Monday, DnD day. He works a morning shift at Sbux, then welcomes people over not long after he arrives home for an afternoon of roleplay/dinner/hangout. When the tv show Timeless is on, we video chat during that hour to watch together and then often continue chatting before bed. Timeless isn’t on right now though because the season ended a few weeks ago. So he’s staying busy on into the evening.

A group of online homeschooling friends discussed having a video chat tonight to hang out, just like old times. But it has been delayed and I’m not sure if I want to go anyway because I’m feeling antisocial. At this time last year, we were all deeply ingrained in our lives with the chat group we’ve acronym’d TMBC and were strengthening friendships through our shared interest in Christianity, home schooling, music, movies, TV shows, love of Blimey Cow (youtube.com/blimeycow), etc. I made the coolest connections and established the coolest friendships (meeting the guy who would later capture my heart). But I was also jobless, broke, and lonely with a lot of time on my hands. in 2017, I am job-full, semi-broke, and still lonely.

I was going to write a goals post. This is getting away from me. But I’m gonna run with it for a mo.

They say that when you “stop looking” for a significant other or learn to be content where God has you, that’s when it happens. Well…that’s not what happened with me. I had stopped looking – I had little hope. But I wasn’t bitter. Just not particularly content. I’m sure some of that had to do with where I was in life too, spiritually and otherwise. I was essentially apathetic, knowing that maybe I should start working on that content thing because God was “clearly” leading me into a life of singleness. And then it happened.

What happened, you ask? I met someone. ūüôā In my 27 years on this earth, no man had shown an interest (well, 2 or 3 did, but I knew they weren’t the right ones for me). And suddenly I had a fella who disbelievingly exclaimed, How has no guy snatched you up yet, Joanna? You’re wonderful!¬†¬†I couldn’t believe my ears. One little problem: He’s 4.5 hours away and has 2 years of school left. ūüėě ¬†Within the first few weeks of dating, we knew we wanted to pursue a long-term relationship leading up to marriage.

So here we are. Back to the loneliness. I am a nearly 28-year-old looking at a probable wedding age of 30. This is a burden that has weighed heavily on my mind and heart for months. Every short weekend with my love reminds me that this is my far-off future. That the waiting is extended. That I can’t experience the joys (and pains) of marriage until that time.

I am blessed. Don’t get me wrong. I’m so blessed by and grateful for this relationship and I love Nathan so dearly. But the waiting is agony. God knows. He knows. But it’s agony.

So on this night when my love is so far away, mentally and distance-wise, when my strange introverted and sad qualities rear their ugly heads and keep me from any other social contact, when I’m just feeling sad and want to cry….I’ll try to pray. I’ll listen to music. I’ll cry. I’ll muse. And I’ll write my New Year’s Resolutions post…another day.

-Joanna

 

2014 Recap- 2015 Goals

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Where did 2014 go? Seriously? It’s like I blinked and it was over.

Every new year is a chance to re-evaluate, to reflect and to move forward. There’s this little thing we call “resolutions” with which most people have a love/hate relationship. I don’t dislike making resolutions–I dislike my inability to keep them. Coming to terms with my past year and everything I¬†didn’t¬†accomplish can be disheartening. But I’m choosing this year not to look at it that way. This blog did begin as a goal blog, after all. ¬†I will set some goals and I will do what I can to accomplish them, all the while accepting my humanity and inability to do these things outside of God’s will and strength. Happpppy New Year!

2014 Recap- (mother post)

Simplify

I did this! Not to¬†its fullest extent, but I have thrown away a lot of things, organized certain areas of my room, given some things away….it is a continual work in progress but I’m glad to have made some good strides.

Serve

This is something that I can safely say, by God’s grace, I have done quite a bit¬†this year. I spent a month in France serving in various ways (even though I often felt like I wasn’t doing much good), I started working with my church group at our local homeless shelter (humbling!), I started working with the youth group in November (harder than I thought :-/ ), etc. Twenty-fourteen was my year to say¬†YES!¬†to all of the things to which I usually say¬†NO…¬†God really encouraged my heart in this area and I’m so glad I heeded His nudging. More than anything, it has stretched me¬†and blessed me in many ways.

Study/Slow Down

I don’t know if I thrived spiritually in this area, although I did begin reading more in general. I have a lovely stack of books next to my bed¬†for late-night reading and I took my Kindle along with me to many a nanny day for those long summer hours or while they play on the school playground. I joined the women’s bible study at church in the fall, which encouraged me to spend more time in the Word and study. But I often crash-coursed the day before¬†as procrastination set in. I am not proud of my lack of self-control and I want to improve in 2015.

I don’t know if this counts but I have really been enjoying writing to my sponsored child more often. I think I’ve written her 3 letters in the last 6 months. In her last letter, she actually wrote to me for the first time ever,¬†in English! ,¬†more than just her name. It was so wonderful! She is almost 6 now and I look forward to communicating with her more closely as time goes on.

Stop Spending

I have stopped buying fast food as much (I’m sure my body thanks me!) and buying random things online. I probably spent too much over the holidays on gifts and personal things though. Money remains an ongoing issue and something I need to be in constant prayer about. I’m glad to have made¬†some¬†progress.

Sitting Down Is For Sissies

Did I move more than I did in 2013? Yes. Was that much at all? No. In the last few days I found a walking routine that kicked my rear sufficiently and I can do at home. I also bought a helmet for my bike in the fall and rode it a couple times, so I look forward to riding my bike more when the weather clears up.

2015 Goals-

  • Read at least as much as I did last year (about 30 books).
  • Find a Bible study plan that works for me and stick to it.
  • Exercise starting at 3 times a week…we’ll see if I can go beyond that.
  • Try Plexus (since I have some samples from family) and see if that’s helpful in any way.
  • Be careful with my finances.
  • Write letters/cards more often.
  • Continue de-cluttering my life.
  • SPEND TIME WITH CO-ED PEER GROUPS.
  • Find said co-ed peer group to spend time with.
  • Cultivate a closer prayer life with my Father.
  • Wrap up all France info (blogs, photos, etc.) to the best of my ability.
  • Be creative! Whatever it takes.
  • Journal consistently.

Perhaps I have more goals but honestly, I am burnt out from all the writing and editing I have done today. I’m going to call it a day…or a year!

May you have a blessed 2015 and may the Lord grow you and strengthen you for the days ahead.

In Him,

wordpresssig

Man.

The new WordPress editor hates me!! My goodness. I had two post windows open just a bit ago and published one that I had worked on for awhile, then drafted the other. Or so I thought….the one that was supposed to go into drafts got published so I ended up deleting it because it wouldn’t let me successfully put it back into draft form. Then when I went back to my blog homepage, lo and behold, my other PUBLISHED post had been deleted and my draft one was still standing. What?!

Lesson learned: Don’t use the new editor. Always stick with good ole Dashboard posts. No matter how shiny or beautiful the other one looks, STAY AWAY FROM IT! All that time lost. *sigh* Well, God is still good. Time for reading and then bed.

Inspiration

Hellooooo.

So I’ve been inspired to write more soon as I just gave my blog address out to a friend for the first time in a long time. Honestly, I have been wanting and needing to write for a long time, but life has been really crazy busy lately. (When does a blogger NOT¬†use that an excuse?) ¬†I’m pretty sure writing is in my blood but it’s the stupid foolish time of the day, like 12:30 in the morning, that I choose to begin because I’m high on chocolate that I chose to consume past 11pm. Smart move. Anyway, I hope to post very soon. I need to be writingggg. Need.

Okay. Goodnight.

Hola.

Sorry for the random post that probably popped up in your email inbox a week ago or so…I ended up deleting it because it was intended for a different blog entirely! Oops.

I know I haven’t been posting much but I just have too much going on. I also have very little to say. Weird how those two things coincide at the moment. No goal posting for the time being because any “goals” I have in life right now are short-term and rather mundane to write about. Car registration- check. Return Hobby Lobby glitter- check. Call that person about that thing- check. I could go on.

The biggest thing I could write a teeny bit about isssssss¬†I’m going to France!¬†Woohoo! In a couple months, I head off for a long stay in a little town in France to help a friend with some missions work. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t super stoked about the travel part, BUT I am praying the Lord helps me stay focused on my real reason for being there. I want to be completely open and flexible for however He (and my friend) can use me. It’s going to be an adventure one way or the other!

A fair amount of my time has been spent planning and prepping for that trip. I’ve also been catching up with old friends, grabbing some extra house cleaning and baby sitting hours, etc. I babysat some kiddos last night and lemme tell you…I’m tired. I’m nowhere ready to be a new mom. Took care of a 5-month-old baby (and two boys, but primarily only the baby and the 4-year-old) and my arms were tie- ERD by the end of the night. She wasn’t particularly fussy, but I got her to go to sleep on one bottle only to have her wake up a few minutes later and squirm and fuss minimally the rest of the evening until the last 15 minutes. Those were glorious 15 minutes! I also watched 3 movies- Toy Story, Lego Batman and Monster House. I was most interested in watching Batman as I haven’t seen it and it looked quirky, but I missed most of that one going to and fro through the house. Anyway. Definitely more of an adventure than my typical after-school nanny days with my older kids!

I’ve also been reading some more books but I will have to write about those later (I am not a particularly fascinating writer when it comes to my reading, as I just throw it all out there. Eh). Hope you all are well and enjoying your February. Woot!

Have a splendid Sunday,

Joanna