I’m crying as I write this.
Today has been rough. Unusually rough. Some days, I have a rough or long day at work but the afterlife (everything from 5:30pm to sleep) is pretty decent. Today was the opposite. Work, albeit a bit long, was okay. I didn’t start having a hard time until dinner with my parents was over. And it’s not even something I can fully explain. It just nestles solidly in the loneliness category. And it’s weird, because I rarely feel this way. I’m decently extroverted and am often the shoulder to lean on for others. Today, I just need a little more help. And although it has been offered from a couple directions, the timing isn’t right for those people and I know it. So I have respectfully and specifically declined or moved past the offers, all of which are online interactions because that is where 75% of my one-on-one interactions come from these days.
My boyfriend is understandably busy. It’s Monday, DnD day. He works a morning shift at Sbux, then welcomes people over not long after he arrives home for an afternoon of roleplay/dinner/hangout. When the tv show Timeless is on, we video chat during that hour to watch together and then often continue chatting before bed. Timeless isn’t on right now though because the season ended a few weeks ago. So he’s staying busy on into the evening.
A group of online homeschooling friends discussed having a video chat tonight to hang out, just like old times. But it has been delayed and I’m not sure if I want to go anyway because I’m feeling antisocial. At this time last year, we were all deeply ingrained in our lives with the chat group we’ve acronym’d TMBC and were strengthening friendships through our shared interest in Christianity, home schooling, music, movies, TV shows, love of Blimey Cow (youtube.com/blimeycow), etc. I made the coolest connections and established the coolest friendships (meeting the guy who would later capture my heart). But I was also jobless, broke, and lonely with a lot of time on my hands. in 2017, I am job-full, semi-broke, and still lonely.
I was going to write a goals post. This is getting away from me. But I’m gonna run with it for a mo.
They say that when you “stop looking” for a significant other or learn to be content where God has you, that’s when it happens. Well…that’s not what happened with me. I had stopped looking – I had little hope. But I wasn’t bitter. Just not particularly content. I’m sure some of that had to do with where I was in life too, spiritually and otherwise. I was essentially apathetic, knowing that maybe I should start working on that content thing because God was “clearly” leading me into a life of singleness. And then it happened.
What happened, you ask? I met someone. 🙂 In my 27 years on this earth, no man had shown an interest (well, 2 or 3 did, but I knew they weren’t the right ones for me). And suddenly I had a fella who disbelievingly exclaimed, How has no guy snatched you up yet, Joanna? You’re wonderful! I couldn’t believe my ears. One little problem: He’s 4.5 hours away and has 2 years of school left. 😞 Within the first few weeks of dating, we knew we wanted to pursue a long-term relationship leading up to marriage.
So here we are. Back to the loneliness. I am a nearly 28-year-old looking at a probable wedding age of 30. This is a burden that has weighed heavily on my mind and heart for months. Every short weekend with my love reminds me that this is my far-off future. That the waiting is extended. That I can’t experience the joys (and pains) of marriage until that time.
I am blessed. Don’t get me wrong. I’m so blessed by and grateful for this relationship and I love Nathan so dearly. But the waiting is agony. God knows. He knows. But it’s agony.
So on this night when my love is so far away, mentally and distance-wise, when my strange introverted and sad qualities rear their ugly heads and keep me from any other social contact, when I’m just feeling sad and want to cry….I’ll try to pray. I’ll listen to music. I’ll cry. I’ll muse. And I’ll write my New Year’s Resolutions post…another day.